Well I'm just one of those moods right now where you don't want to be around people because you generaly A.) manage to insult them B.) Piss them off, or C.)Feel like, and may be, annoying the hell outta them so if you cant tell feel about rather pissed off right now. The only happy thing right now is I figured out how to rig a machine for monry. I've also got that damned PE report to do on the Budd-Chiari and the Ulcerative Colitis and this illness and that illness and whatevers fucking me up, and how it felt and what my diet was. How about I just throw the 6 books of charts filled out on me and you just take a look at it. And if you wanna know how it felt well it friggen sucked and turns out just fucked me up even more mentaly because I'm highly qualified for Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder. But you know what fuck it because thats life.

So whoo friggeidy doo whatever just another listing for basic human emotion and nature. People, life, nothings ever gonna be perfect. And what I dont need is more pills shoved down my throat to cure some damned problem I can deal with. What people dont need is drugs, what people do need its to just deal with their fucking issues if they're going to sit around complaining about it. Which is pretty damned Ironic because dealing with it is what I'm aparently not doing. But thats in my job description.

Let see here Symptoms of PTSD:

- Intrusion: Rexperiance. Which is something I dont do and rather tend to avoid) For awhile I was able to smell and even taste the chemicals and stuff from the hospital.

- Avoidance: Avoiding relationships with others (which is a point I'm at right now); Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma; Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma; Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities; Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others; Restricted range of affect (e.g., Unable to have loving feelings); Sense of foreshortened future (e.g., Does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

- Hyperarousal/ Hypervigilance: Enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose it is to detect threats; Finally, many people with PTSD also attempt to rid themselves of their painful re-experiences, loneliness, and panic attacks by abusing alcohol or other drugs as a "selfmedication" that helps them to blunt their pain and forget the trauma temporarily. A person with PTSD may show poor control over his or her impulses and may be at risk for suicide.

So yeah just incase you were wondeing thats what it is and if you wanna know more go here:
http://isuisse.ifrance.com/emmaf/base/PTSDsym.html

http://www.psych.org/public_info/ptsd.cfm

Anyways I should get to bed I get to go see my theropyst tomarrow for the last time. I get to sit there saying nothing every five minutes. Its a last time for a reason. CUS SHE SUCKS! She doesnt help you deal she just sits there and askes questions that skims the top and assumes everythings peachy with your life. If you know me you know you have to draw it out of me. And it was me who figured out I matched the standards for PTSD so I definatly bring that up tomarrow and report back to you.

Laters. Im getting the fuck outta here

Well I just got back inside. It feels rather nice snce I havent been able to go out much this winter. Im at peace with the world right now. I havent been like that for a long time now. I took a long shower upstair which is much nicer than the cheap plastic one I've been useing in the basement. Then I put on a black halter and soft pants and a the black and silver ying-yang necklace that is Kate's. Kate is one of my charaters from my crow stories, the only surivor of a slaughtered family.

Rose, the lead and the crow,  is an exageration of me. Myself as I see me years from now and torn apart from my family by their murders. When I say family I mean those whom I love. Not acctual blood. Kate however is the version of me. She's quiet and tragicaly beautiful, soft spoken and kind. She's the better part of me, Rose is the bitter sarcasm and hate. Which I've noticed Ive had alot of lately.

So I went outside to see Aladin, my sisters horse, a beautiful arabian. Since I hadn't been out there sice the fall so I checked out the loft they put up, which really wasn't much of one.I walked around feeling the soft grass under my feet and let the cool breeze dry my hair. Rachael was already out there when dad joined us and lead Aladin out to the pasture. That horse is even more magnificent when he runs.

Dad and Rach left and I stood there watching him graze for awhile until one of the barn cats came up. I foud they're rather shy. we both sat there watching each other and enjoying the day, until I desided to walk around the pond enjoying the day and my unmutalated body. Then I started thinking about my story and about Kate and how much she missed her family and Rose. I started seeing threw Kates eyes and returned to my room and looked at Rose's vanity. My heart fell with the weight of sorrow and longing. When I see my charitors I see best through their eyes.

Well I have some work to do so its time I got going. See you agian.

For now I'm just going to skip the introduction and go strait to life. Let see here... Oh yes I just spent the entire morning listening to my mother and my sister talking about hopeless I am.  Direct quote from my mother's lips? "I'm starting to think shes worthless..." Fucking worthless am I? Well Mother take a look at yourself because its pretty damned pathetic if you get satifaction out of tearing your own child apart. I realize I'm not perfect, I don't however need you to tell me that. But you better be able to point those accusations at yourself first and see just how flawed you are before you point them at someone else.

 And lazy am I? Only I because I could work third shift hours and you couldn't. You should know better. I never called you lazy, hell I felt sorry for you. Theres a reason I started staying up so late and that was to avoid the morning. Yeah I know exactly what's going through your head but this is no fucking excuse. How would you like to wake up every morning to your parents arguring about something or bitching about how imperfect you are. Your thinking it wouldnt be all that bad. Just like it's not all that bad to beat your child. But your parents never fought, mother. They slapped you on your butt and sent you on your way. So belive me you have no fucking clue.

And I'm tired about how you had it so horrible because your mother made you feel you were stupid. You do the same fucking thing! So get over your self Mom. Stop worrying on how imperfect things are. Learn to live and be happy with what you have. And figure out why your child acts the way she does. Did it ever occur to you maybe I not dealing with this all so well. Get on your fucking knees and start thanking my friends here and the people I met using this fucking computer that you loath and thank them for keeping me alive and giving me a reason to live, because if it wasn't for them I'd have slit my wrists 3 years ago.